Not That You Asked, But

C once accused me of hating two things everyone else loves, the Olympics and Halloween. He was partially wrong about on both counts. I don't hate the Olympics, but I don't really enjoy them, either. And I don't hate Halloween, but I do hate one of its biggest components: I hate, hate, hate trick-or-treat, and I always have.

I grew up in the sticks--houses acres apart, with no sidewalks in sight--and had to be driven around to t-o-t. Ugh. Nothing ruins a costume like having to freaking drag its huge headpiece or hoop skirt or other enormous prop in and out of the car, where people would sit on you and step over you and bend/crush/stain/wrinkle everything. And then I hated that people would pretend not to know who we were, when we saw them every day and our parents were RIGHT behind us! And I hated the idea of going to the homes of people I didn't know and having them perfunctorily hand me a stupid snack that I probably wouldn't like anyway. Popcorn balls, Bit-o-Honey, Wacky Wafers, those stupid McDonald's gift certificate things . . . GAH! Plus, I always felt really super guilty when certain lonely old lady neighbors would give us little baggies of terrible candy that they had CLEARLY spent lots of time lovingly assembling. I remember feeling like crying at one particular old lady's door, when I could smell her farty dinner smells wafting out from behind her while her TV blared and her hands shook as she dropped bags of chalky candy into our stupid plastic pumpkin heads. I felt so bad for demanding anything from her. I felt bad that I thought she would probably love some company that I absolutely DID NOT want to give her. Shudder.

Now I resent having to spend money on candy for kids I neither know nor care about. I hate having to play nice with them and their stupid parents, who mostly stand carelessly on the street, talking on cell phones while their kids demand candy from me. I hate the high school kids who don't even go to the trouble of putting on a costume, but expect me to put candy in their damn pillowcases anyway.

I am not at all against dressing in costume, Halloween parties, jack-o-lanterns, or black cats. The Boy spent several happy Octobers working with C on some fantastic costumes, and loved it, and that thrilled me. I liked going to his school's Halloween parades and parties, and I'm so glad he's got those wonderful memories. I love seeing my nephew and my friends' kids enjoy their own costumes, and I love seeing what costumes C and his friends come up with year after year for their annual Halloween party.

In summary, then, I don't hate Halloween; I hate trick-or-treat. I hate things that are forced and contrived, meaningless, awkward, and uncomfortable, and that's what t-o-t has always been to me.

I'm a mean one, Mr. Grinch.